A lot of questions and no answers.

I received a phone message last night that said, “Hi Will. This is Christie. I haven’t spoken with you guys in a long while, but I need you to give me a call. I need to talk with you about Elisa. Call my cell phone as soon as you can at…”
Although her voice was calm and pleasant I just knew that this was bad and calling her back I found out that I was right. Elisa committed suicide on Monday morning between 5 and 6 AM. After Christie got out of the shower she went to the bedroom to wake Elisa for work and found her with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. She immediately called 911, but it was too late. The hospital kept Elisa on life support so that her organs could be saved and donated. She officially died last night.

Elisa and I hadn’t talked in a while, although we did email each other occasionally. She never indicated that anything was wrong, but many of those suffering from depression hide it from even their spouses and very best friends. In emails that we exchanged just two months ago Elisa wanted Jenne and I to join her and Christie her boat, but schedules never meshed. Elisa and I met in 1997 while I was working at Claritas in Arlington, VA. I was the manager of tech support and she was hired on as the manager of training. We reported to the same director and our offices were next door to each other, so it was natural that we stared hanging out. We spent a lot of time at the coffee shop – Atomic Grounds – next door to our building. We would sit there in the big oversized lounge chairs near the back and yack for an hour or more every morning after our morning staff meetings. It was kind of like going to Chotchkie's in the movie Office Space, although we were doing two years before the movie came out. Several times we trekked across the Key Bridge to Georgetown for lunch and shopping. She had some fun parties at her house and her Halloween parties were always a good time. She loved Halloween and really went all out every year. When we both left Claritas and went to different companies we didn’t see much of each other anymore, although we emailed quite frequently, but that dropped off to a few times a month and then once a month or less. I remember that she came to our house for our Super Bowl party the year the Ravens won. She spilled a glass of wine all over me and we laughed about it. When she was looking for different jobs I provided a reference for her, but was sometimes caught by surprise because she told her perspective employer one things and didn’t clue me in before they called me. When I worked in Rockville in 2002 and 01 we met for lunch a few times and talked about the good old days at Claritas. I haven’s seen her in over two years and now she’s gone. She left no note, no messages for anyone, but Christie did tell me that Elisa talked of me often and loved me for who I am. I knew that Elisa suffered from depression. She went through a couple of bouts when we were close friends. Christie said that Elisa had become very sad and despondent of late. It was another serious bout of depression and it was just too much for her. She had had enough. Lot's of folks will miss her.

Since the year two-thousand two personal friends, an associate that I hired, trained and mentored at Claritas, and the grandfather of a close friend has committed suicide: one by gunshot, one by hanging and two by jumping from great heights. Each time I have been shocked, stunned, deeply saddened and left with this feeling of being light and detached, as if the Earth’s gravity has lessened, but only around me. Each time what little is left of my personal faith in a loving God has taken another serious hit. At the present time in my life there is almost nothing of it left to hit.

I wonder each time what drove them over that final line. Did they feel that they couldn’t reach out to family and friends? Had their depression become so intense that it overwhelmed their meds? Did they stop taking their meds, were they even on meds? Had they simply had enough of the pain caused by their multiple epsiodes of depression that they felt that they just couldn’t bear it any longer? Did they pray, plead and beg God for relief from their anguish only to have God answer their prayers with no? I have been told quite often that God hears and answers all prayers, and that sometimes the answer is no. Was God acting in His own time and my friends just needed to be patient for the all powerful One to act? I am also told that our time is not God’s time and He does things His way. Did they make peace with God and ask His forgiveness before the finale? Did they even believe in God anymore or was their faith destroyed by this point as well? Have they finally achieved in death the peace that they struggled so hard for in life and couldn’t sustain? A suicide always leaves a lot of questions and no answers.