January 05, 2005

First Ass-Clown Award of 2005

Well, we are only five days into the New Year and already I need to hand out a couple of Ass-Clown Awards to DC area commuters, and all in one day too!

The first award of the 2005 goes to the Ass-Clown SUV drivers who created three separate accidents along my commute path this drizzly Wednesday morning. Those inconsiderate morons who don’t give a rats ass about the lives of those on the road with them! Nothing matters to them except their own safety, their own time, that gallon of milk, and their demon-seed offspring of mini ass-clowns. I hope the people they hit weren’t seriously injured and I hope they sue the asses right off of the ass-clowns! The other thing that pisses me off is that through their lack of consideration of others they bunged up Route-29 and the Circle of Death (AKA Capital Beltway) for thousands upon thousands of commuters. Thanks to them my commute alone was close to THREE HOURS! Hey dumb-ass ass-clowns it doesn’t matter that you have four-wheel drive. Slippery roads are slippery roads and bigger heavier vehicles just slip and slide farther and harder into others. To you I give the first Ass-Clown award of twenty-oh-five and it is so richly deserved!

Posted by Will Burnham on Wed Jan 05, 2005 | Comment on this entry | TrackBack
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Comments

Hello will my wild OLD american fiend,

Habid to predict in 2005 that the commute will only become much the worse. It is never to get better. Also habid to say that now you are the older fart stuck in the communte (happty birthday).

yes, even habid is to know that the 4 wheel drive SUV for the small penis driver is not to stop on slippery road. however habid is to also say, the suv will handle the slippery road very much good, if it is to be driven properly. most of the assklown have no idea how to drive anything.

Many the assklown suv small penis driver have the SUV to emulate the rap star. the assklown suv driver not to releazie that they is to need to PUSH the 4 wheel drive button to acheive 4 wheel drive. (most suv are not full time 4 wheel drive). Also, many the SUV are not even 4 wheel drive at all.

Habid is actually scared of the traffic so habid is to stay home.

habid to say, happy the birthday .


Posted by: habid el sharif on January 5, 2005 09:16 PM

OK, I've had enough.

Bad drivers are bad drivers. They come in all car types, sizes, races & religions.

I have an "SUV"(the horror!). I drive exactly 4.4 miles to work each day. I spend about $20 on gas every two + weeks or so. I have many outdoor hobbies that require a 4-wheel drive vehicle including; kayaking and camping from remote(ish) locations. As you well know, I was with out a car for about three weeks last winter while my (previous) car, a Toyota Camry, was stuck in icy, snowy wild and wonderful West Virginia. I haven't had an accident in over 10 years (and very minor even then) and I do not like being generalized as an "ass clown" or an earth raping monster out to kill you.

Much respect to you my brother, you know how I feel. but...Chill the f' out. Find a new job. A bit closer to home. I know you can you're a bright, talented fella.

Rock'en like Dokken(sp?),

mm

Posted by: mm on January 5, 2005 10:46 PM

Yo my brother,

"Bad drivers are bad drivers. They come in all car types, sizes, races & religions."

Yeah, you are right. They do. All three accidents - and I saw the results of all three - involved the larger of the SUVs plowed into a mid sized car. The front of each SUV was in the rear or side of each of those cars. I'm sure that there were accidents yesterday where only cars were involved, very likely a car plowed into an SUV. I didn't see personally see them.

My cousin David owns a Hummer H2 (and you know how I feel about them), but he doesn't get 'hot' about my rants. Da-Veed also owns an SUV and a truck and he knows my rants aren't directed at him either, nor does he get hot about them (I think he mostly laughs at them). I also know that you use your SUV for very practical and utilitarian purposes. I also am aware of your excellent driving record. You know very well that my rant was not directed at you so chill the F' out yourself.

Yeah, I get pissed and I rant, I just happen to write my rants down and share them. There is a chance that anything I write is going to piss somebody off. So far I have pissed off - at one time or another - sixty percent of my family and friends. I either keep writing what and how I have always written or I censor myself and write 'safe' and flowery sweet stuff. The position that some of my friends and family has taken is that if they see a certain type of rant by me (political, religious, SUV, whatever) they just don't read it.

Oh, and getting a job closer to home won't change the fact that I hate SUVs and won't stop me from ranting.

Peace,
--Will

Posted by: Will Burnham on January 6, 2005 08:08 AM

Well Done Mike!!!

I back you 100%. I am also an ass clown that owns an SUV and a pick-up truck.

One would tend to see only wrecks involving SUV is that is all one chooses to look for.

Posted by: David on January 6, 2005 08:10 AM

There are several types of SUV driver. A small minority of them use their monstrous nearly-tracked vehicles to do things that require that kind of power, like tool around in West By-God in the snow. More power to them.

In the DC metro area, the SUV beltway driver is a plague. As a motorcyclist I fear them almost as much as anyone in a Honda Accord (and that's a lot) because they feel invincible behind the wheel of a freaking bronetransportyor (Russian for Armored Personnel Carrier). They drive sans turn signals, they drive on slippery roads without even turning on the 4wd or, even if they do turn on the 4wd, they believe that it is the same as the crazy artificial gravity used in "Armageddon". They are the ones in the left-hand lane drinking coffee, talking on the cell, and reading the newspaper on their steering wheel ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Why pay attention? If there's a wreck, the other guy's going to die, right?

Especially hazardous are the REALLY big SUV's with Sprewell Spinner rims on them. They make you want to choke your coach!

Me? I drive a MINI Cooper S. It's small, great in all weather conditions, gets good gas mileage, and does 0-60 in OHMYGOD.

Posted by: Steve-o on January 6, 2005 08:43 AM

Well I did give Da-veed some credit, but I see I have to take that back :-( I guess MM and Da-veed didn't pick up that I was talking about three specific SUV drivers (the three that were at fault in three seperate wrecks) along my commute route. I didn't generalize by saying ALL SUV drivers. I was specific to three. Don't take something personal that wasn't personal to begin with.
Love and Peace my brothers,
--Will

Posted by: Will Burnham on January 6, 2005 08:51 AM

~I must say when i was just in Balt./DC for New Years and a couple days afterwards I was reminded why I like getting to, driving in and around and then back home from Balt./DC...everyone drives like they mean it (very fast and never a slowdown)...Happy (belated) New Year Will, it's been a while since I stopped in~

Posted by: btezra on January 6, 2005 11:36 AM

4X does not work in rain. it is bad to due cause it will destroy your front tires. For vehicals that are not all wheel or full time 4x drive, the front wheels will drive at a different ratio to the back wheels. When you shift it into 4x, be sure to be in snow of at least 1 inch or more!!!!! It is not so much as owning a 4X4 and it is to KNOW how to use one. This comes from growing up on a farm in Western PA.

Posted by: Dave on January 6, 2005 01:23 PM

So what you're saying is we need that sniper released and this time we'll supply him with all the specific targets he wants? Hell, I'd move to DC for an opportunity like that...Seriously, when we had the freeway snipings in Los Angeles, it was a city filled with the most courteous drivers I had ever seen. You never knew when you were going to be shot.

May I opine that the true problem is that there are too many drivers in your area competing for too few roads and, like the story about too many rats in the cage, once you reach overload you start to kill each other be it with cars or guns or bare hands. I saw it happen in Los Angeles, I see it happen in large cities nationwide, but only in the US. Why do you think that is? btw, I am not excusing SUV drivers. Yes, there are bad drivers behind the wheel of everything, unfortunately the auto flavor right now is SUV so of course you are going to see more of them in a bad light. I don't believe teaching someone the proper use of their equipment is the solution when the problem is self-centeredness. It truly does take a bitch-slap to get through to some people.

Come to my little corner of Kansas. We're all spread out with plenty of personal space. For the most part we believe in live and let live. We even have a civil war site or two. You and Jenne and Poe and San would love it. All the mice a kitty can eat.

Posted by: juli on January 6, 2005 05:38 PM

I agree with the folks who said that there is a shortage of people who know how to drive any motor vehicle. When I lived up in MA, people used to laugh when they'd see 3 inches of snow on the Capitol beltway and all the pile ups on the news. Yet these were the SAME people who would, during an ice storm, put their vehicle in 4 wheel drive, and drive normally ---right into the middle of the nearest traffic rotary, because on ice 4 wheel drive is utterly useless. Sometimes there'd be 4 or 5 of 'em piled up at the feet of, say, Hawthorne, or the Unknown Soldier or whoever the statue was in the rotery center....and I'd chug by in my old Mercury Sable that weighed a ton, slow and steady with my Maryland tags on the back. If looks could kill......

Posted by: Lynn on January 6, 2005 05:58 PM

Three hours? Yikes. I bet there were people who ran out of gas in that wait.

Though I own and SUV, I don't fall into the Ass-Clown SUV category, I'm more of a Lead-Foot Lady (though I do drive for conditions, heh).

Posted by: Lee Ann on January 9, 2005 04:38 PM