Lt. Dan... IN THE HOT SEAT!

It’s time again for another guest to sit In the Hot Seat, our regular b-weekly feature where I interview friends and readers (AKA virtual-friends), so that we can get to know them a little better. This week please welcome my friend and neighbor, Lt. Dan. Yes, he is my neighbor and we share a common wall. Jenne and I have lived next door to the Lieutenant and his lovely wife Laureen for nine years now and it's been a good nine years. Five years ago they had a son named Dylan whom I adore and I consider my good buddy, and last year they added a new beautiful daughter to the family and her name is Kali (I hope I spelled that right). They are excellent neighbors. Hey, a neighbor who pays you in beer and Sake for watching their cat or fixing their computer is an excellent neighbor ;-) So welcome Lt. Dan to the hot seat. It’s sure to be entertaining and adult in nature so enjoy!

ITHS: Welcome to the hot seat Lt. Dan. I’m sure the readers are anxious to get to know you so let’s jump right into the questions. When and where were you born?
Lt. Dan: Thanks, Will. It’s a pleasure to be here. I was born in the year of Dr. Strangelove at the facility known as the best medical facility in the country. Today, it is the war zone, known as Johns Hopkins Hospital.

ITHS: So where did you grow up and what was childhood like?
Lt. Dan: I grew up on the east side of town in a blue collar bedroom community known as Rosedale.

ITHS: What is your favorite childhood memory?
Lt. Dan: Two come to mind. The first would be at Hutzler’s department store ladies dressing room. It was neat being able to crawl under the fitting room curtains and check out the mini skirt upskirt. The second was at Eastpoint Shopping Center. I was a big fan of the Penguins at the storefront of the shopping center. My childhood centered on my banana bike, baseball cards and bubble gum cigars. The cigars brought me to the dental chair at an early age. I remember big cars, sideburns and American Beer. The smell of crabs in the summer and pitchers of beer. My neighbors either worked at the Steel Mill or GM Plant. A few of the intellectuals worked for Western Electric.

ITHS: How did you and your wife, Laureen meet?
Lt. Dan: We met at an orgy.... of intelligencia known as the University of Maryland.

ITHS: For a minute I thought you were going to say that you met at a Cuddle Party. Although they didn’t have those back then. So how long did you live in sin? Lt. Dan: We never lived in sin, but dated three different times over 12 years.

ITHS: When did you finally marry?
Lt. Dan. In 1994, the year when Clinton was the man!

ITHS: What was your bachelor party like?
Lt. Dan: “It was the greatest night of my life. Although, I still had not found a wife, I had my friends right there beside me.” (Jim Morrison). It was actually fun for my friends. They procured an entertainer who proceeded to place me fully clothed on my living room floor. She then attempted a simulation of coitus in front of twenty men. At that point, I realized my porn star career was not in the cards. That and the fact that I was pushing pasta into a Levi’s zipper ended any enthusiasm I began with. The evening proceeded to Ponca St and a place called Partners. It was ladies night with the “huns.” My brother (Private, not little Lt.) proceeded to negotiate with a bouncer about the relevance of wearing a ball cap indoors. He got tossed, along with the rest of the party. We continued next door to the Harbor Inn where I was introduced to a few toothless women with callous hands. I knew then, a hand job was out of the question. We proceeded to Hammerjack’s where I witnessed the pretenders of our party vomit. The evening concluded at my apartment with a wrestling match between two of my friends. My overweight female neighbors down below did not appreciate the vibrator session interruption. It was a great night!

ITHS: Being that you are the father of a 4-year old boy and a six-month old girl what are you looking forward to and not forward to as a dad?
Lt. Dan: I am looking forward to an Amsterdam road trip after high school graduation. What happens there stays there. This should help the little ones deal with the Puritan head cases they will encounter in college. I am not looking forward to the tattoo, body piercing requests, nor am I looking forward to the jerk-off punk friends who will plant their lazy tushes on my couch and freeload. I am not looking forward to hearing about yeast infections either.

ITHS: Yeah, I don’t want to hear about that kind of stuff either. Anyway, what do you do for a Shitty Little Job (SLJ) and do you love or hate it?
Lt. Dan: I am a Regional Manager for a coatings manufacturer covering 13 states. I oversee the specification of a concrete rubber coating system for parking garages and high rise buildings. Chances are that your feet have touched my product on your last vacation when you planted them on the balcony at the hotel, leaning over the railing and taking it or giving it up the highway. Yes, it is jism resistant. I love my job. I can’t believe I get paid to tell people what to do, how to do it and when to do it. My SLJ is actually, sultry lovely job.

ITHS: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Lt. Dan: I would like to be the postal carrier and my route would be in Pacific Beach, California. I would enjoy delivering mail to the shop owners on the boardwalk and chatting. Of course, I would get a daily dose of hot nipple action, year round.

ITHS: Sounds like a good job. By the way what is the origin of the name “Lt. Dan”?
Lt. Dan: Lieutenant originated at the SLJ by those affected. Perhaps, they were fans of Forrest Gump.

ITHS: Were you in the military?
Lt. Dan: I spent some time in Ft. Knox, KY. No gold there. Been to other hot spots, chose not to discuss.

ITHS: Special forces maybe?
Lt. Dan: Only if John Kerry calls.

ITHS: What profession would you not attempt?
Lt Dan: Priesthood. I would be shafting God by my effort and performance.

ITHS: What are your hobbies and interests apart from ‘hot nipple action’?
Lt. Dan: None really. Although, I must say that summer panty line action at the airport du jour is now a close second. It seems that the young women enjoy showing off the tattoo located at the base of the spine and wearing light color pants with dark color thongs. This for me, is a revelation since my exposure to the subject has been limited to “those are uncomfortable, I don’t know why someone would want something jamming up their ass.” Well, I envision these young women entering the workforce and the current mid thirty plus will engage in conflict. I welcome the conflict.

ITHS: What is your favorite movie that is not porn?
Lt. Dan: Actually a few. The Dirty Dozen, Saturday Night Fever, Sea of Love (subtle porn w/ Ellen Barkin) and Two Moon Junction- a classic with Burl Ives, Kristy McNichol, Sherilyn Finn, Herve Villachaise, a must see.

ITHS: And as a follow up to that question what is your favorite porno movie?
Lt. Dan: Big Black Titties and Asses.

ITHS: Who is your favorite porno actress?
Lt. Dan: Any shaved actress. Landing strips are ok. NO hairy pizza slice.

ITHS: What are your favorite TV shows?
Lt. Dan: Ironside, Barnaby Jones and Canon rank up there. It reflects a time when old white males commanded respect and kicked ass. Ironside was ahead of his time. He was maneuvering around those structures long before ADA requirements. Canon was a Scotch drinking, steak eating white pimp. Barnaby was Alzheimer’s poster boy before it became popular. Currently, CSI, The Dead Zone, Nip/Tuck are in the viewing schedule. As routine as my daily heap, is the Weather Channel. I find interest in viewing which Weather Channel babe has bread in her oven. It seems to be a prerequisite for the position.

ITHS: What is your favorite book?
Lt. Dan: Underboss by Sammy Gravano and Green Eggs and Ham. Working in Northern Jersey/NYC, trust me, Tony Soprano is alive and doing well. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.

ITHS: What is your favorite food and favorite drink?
Lt. Dan: Morton’s Strip Steak, medium, with a side of bleu cheese dressing. Vagina would be a close second. Drink is either Johnny Walker Blue on the rocks or Birch Beer.

ITHS: What is favorite curse word?
Lt. Dan: Shit. It flows well. I am not allowed to say the “C” word. I think hearing the “C” word is entertaining because it is off limits in my lexicon.

ITHS: What turns you on?
Lt. Dan: Women in dresses wearing make up. A dying breed.

ITHS: What turns you off?
Lt. Dan: Those jackasses at the supermarket who can’t read and insist on going into the express 15 item cash line with a shopping cart full of groceries and a damn check book. I have contemplated causing a scene many times.

ITHS: I am right there with you on that. I call those people Ass-hats! Anyway, what sound or noise do you love?
Lt. Dan: Pussy farts, as they are usually reflective of a zesty session.

ITHS: What sound or noise do you hate?
Lt. Dan: The smoke alarm. It scares the crap out of me, especially at 2am with children in the house. Change your batteries!

ITHS: What are your plans for the upcoming Presidential election?
Lt. Dan: I will vote and hopefully, fornicate as the kingdom changes hands.

ITHS: Will you be actively participating in the political process beyond just voting?
Lt. Dan: No, I feel everyone is entitled to their views and opinions. If the past four years haven’t been a revelation, then nothing will. I plan on showing the little ones that our system is still the best, even with the a-holes in Florida and on the Supreme Court.

ITHS: What are your post-election plans?
Lt. Dan: I will either fornicate as I previously indicated or resort to Johnny Walker Blue (thanks to my prepaid child tax credit), and possibly resort to more extreme intoxicants if necessary.

ITHS: And lastly if Heaven exists, what would you like to hear (insert deity of choice here) say when you arrive?
Lt. Dan: God damn, Dan, who did you bang to crash this party?