This story told in 3-B... three beers and it sounds good! And believe me, after this happened I wanted a few beers.
"Greetings fellow traveler and I bid you welcome." Our host, dressed in a dark red smoking jacket takes a long slow drink from a goblet. Red liquid is on his lips.
"Care for a drink? Noooo? Very well. Then sit and hear tonight's tale of the commute called..."
It's 6:15 PM on Friday evening and our intrepid and dogged hero, Will, has been traveling the treacherous roads and the Circle of Death, AKA the Capital Beltway, for almost over two hours. Little does he know it, his ordeal is far from over.
He is tired and his back is sore. He has driven through torrential rain showers and crept along with the damned and dispossesed. The skies clear for a while and he makes better time. Just miles from home the sky darkens and rolling thunder can be heard approaching from the west. He has time. He can beat the coming storm... or will he? Can he? Leaving the Nile, AKA Route 29 north, he takes the ramp to Long Shadow of Death... errr pardon me, I mean... Long Gate Parkway. The skies are slowly darkening, but Will is only a mile and a half from home. The traffic here is light as rush hour has long since past. There are only those seeing the shopkeepers and the taverns. Some, a few of the raod weary, are travelers like Will, but all are now close to the heart and hearth of sweet home. The traffic light ahead turns red. No matter. It's only a couple minutes delay. As he sits first in line at the light visions of Poe and San bounding their kitty cat way across the floor. Jenne walks up and gives him a hug and a kiss. the sweet delicious nectar of the gods... Sapporo Beer waits in a frosty glass. With visions of home dancing in his head he barely notices the light go green. As he removes his foot from the brake... BAM!
"OH SON OF A F&%$%$# BITCH!" he yells. His throat, strained from weeks of coughing, tightens and dries. He looks in his rearview mirror.
"It can't be! This is just not possible," he thinks. But it is. A Dodge Caravan has just driven up his tailpipe. He can't see the driver.
There's no pain, no headache, but there is a rising heat as rage builds. Will struggles to keep it in check, but memories of the wreck on the Circle of Death, the resulting totaling of his well maintained and paid for Saturn, and the tailgater nightmare are too much. Too recent. Too fresh. He tries to hold the torrent back, but his inner darkness will not be denied this time. In the past the beast was always so easily vanquished as if it were an insect. However this time it demands to be fed. It has been denied sustenance by its enemies - politeness, understanding, gentlemanness (is that even a word?) - for too many years, through too many trails. It demands a sacrifice. It wants to... it WILL BE satiated... it will taste fear and blood and it will be filled and it will be happy. Throwing off his seat belt he leaps from his car, his brand new Honda Hybrid.
"Damn it! WHAT IS YOUR DAMNED PROBLEM?!" he yells and sees the driver for the first time. A woman... and what appear to be two kids. His arms fly like those of an Italian telling a tale. "IN SOME DAMNED RUSH TO GET THE BRATS TO A SOCCER GAME OR SOMETHING!? OR WHAT... TARGET HAVING A SALE AND YOU DON'T WANNA MISS OUT!?"
The woman sits wide-eyed at this gentle man turned demon. One of her kids start crying.
Will drops from a yell to a deep controlled growl. "Follow me. We are pulling out of the travel lanes and exchanging information." He turns. Stops and turns back. Will walks up to her window. "Don't even think about driving way. You understand me?"
The woman nods and puts on her right turn signal. Will gets back into his car and pulls off onto Wheatfield Drive. The woman follows. They stop and Will calls Jenne. She is stunned and in a moment of disbelief. Will tells her he'll be about twenty more minutes. He has to deal with Mommy Ass-Hat and her demon seedlings. They will surely grow up to be little Ass-Clowns and then adult Ass-Hats. Actually age has no bearing on being an a clown or a hat. It's totally arbitrary and determined by Will at the time of events. Anyway, I digress.
They both step out of their vehicles. The urge to kick the shit out of the front of her mini-van (just about the same thing as an SUV) briefly flashes over him. He sees the woman writing on a piece of paper. She offers it to him.
"What's this?"
"My name and phone number," she mutters.
"We need to exchange more information than this," he growls.
"That's all I am giving you. No more. You're scaring my children."
"Right now I don't care. They have nothing to fear from me. What they should be afraid of is mommy because she can’t drive and she hits people. Let me tell you something, one day you'll be in a rush and hit someone and injure them or your brats,” he pauses and... “NOW, ...driver's license, registration and insurance card."
"No. This is all you get."
"By law we have to trade information from our driver's license, registration and insurance cards. Don’t... push... me."
"No. You can call me and then I'll give you my insurance company number and then take care of things."
"Lady, what game are you trying to play? I have no patience for this and what patience I did have for you ran out the moment you hit me. I was trying to make this easy (more so for me) so we could exchange information and go home quickly, but you want to play this hard and you want to waste my time. You're in no position and if I were you I would be as cooperative as all get out, being at fault as you are. Okay. So I call the cops and we drag this out," Will says.
She walks away and climbs back in her van. She turns to her whiney little demons. Will calls the police. They arrive in less than five minutes and things are now efficiently expedited. Will and the officer look at the rear of his car. Scratches and fortunately nothing else... at least on the surface. The officer looks at Will's registration.
"WOW! This car is like a month old. It's brand-new and a hybrid. Oh this really sucks," she says as she throws mommy ass-hat a look. Mommy ass-hat looks at her feat.
"Yeah, I got this car because my last one was totaled by a woman driver in a SUV. She reaer ended me while I was stopped. Pretty much like this accident, but much worse," Will says as he throws mommy ass-hat a look. She looks at the darkening sky. It starts to rain.
Will pulls his giant umbrella from his trunk and hold it over himself and the female officer as she explains the procedures and forms she hands each driver. Mommy Ass-Hat stands in the rain. It starts to pour. As she gets wet the inner darkness drinks deep. The cup is small, but the taste is so very sweet. The darkness smiles.
"That's it folks. Everyone can go," says the lady officer and they all go their separate ways. The officer back on her patrol, Will heads home to family and drink, and the family Ass-hat/Ass-clown (you pick) goes back to the slime pit from whence they came.
PS, I can't take much more of this crap. Why do people keep hitting me? I'm stopped for crying out loud. This makes something like ten times that I have been rear-ended (once I was tee-boned) since July 1996. This is madness. Will it ever end?
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I strongly suggest you and Lynn never ride together.
Posted by: Clark on June 18, 2004 08:24 PMOMG, not again!!!!!
You're OK, that's the cool part. How's the car? Not anything like the Saturn was, I hope?
Posted by: Jeff on June 18, 2004 09:22 PMJeepers Will. I am glad you are ok.
Posted by: Randy on June 18, 2004 09:37 PMFirst I hope you are ok! Do you always daydream at red lights? Just a thought! Hum.... new Honda hybird. Chop chop @#&^%*$$$$ Jap for lame DUCK!
Posted by: Joe on June 19, 2004 10:28 AMI can't believe this has happened to you again. You must have some kind of ass-hat magnet in your car. Glad you're okay.
Posted by: Somewhat on June 19, 2004 11:31 AMDoes it strike you as odd that normally, people aren't involved in auto accidents, much less the *exact* same type of accident with the rate that you've been getting rear-ended? I mean, there's no excuse for not having control over the vehicle and rear-ending someone, but is there something in your habits that's encouraging these idiots?
Have you given a thought of hooking up with a professional defensive driving instructor?
Posted by: Rob N on June 19, 2004 12:42 PMWill- Three things to ponder.
1)Bart and Homer stickers on the back are a distraction and a jinx-lose them.
2)The chick with heroin eyes shown yesterday has cast a spell on you. Habid is right, she is the devil!
3)If it is any consolation, my brother who travels the opposite way of you (Balto to Tysons Corner) in the evening was also in an altercation Friday pm.
He was rear ended by a car which was hit by a tractor trailor and caused a six car accident at the American Legion bridge. The trucker kept going across the state line leaving everyone at the scene. Although my brother was formerly an insurance adjuster and now works as an Asst. States Attorney, he is in the same boat as you--a victim.
Perhaps entering the witness protection program, creating a home office or purchasing a Saigon type bicycle (the kind Charlie) would own would be a safer option. I am sure it has better gas mileage than the Hybrid.
In summary, devil eyes are watching you!! Maybe "devilcat" is in on this as well!
Godspeed Will Burnham!
oh my gawd, what the hell type of cologne are you wearing Ass-Hat pheromoans?
but seriously suv's now minivans Soon it will be all gas powered cars. I keep telling you its not the suv or the car its the driver. And as you have seen its the WOMAN DRIVER.
Nothing is scarier than a woman driver in an SUV or worse the soccermom in the minivan. You know ALL WoMAN drivers in a minivan are either going to or comming from a Soccer match.
Geez you have some bad luck. Glad you are not hurt this time.
remember Fear the WOMAN driver.
H2
Posted by: H2 cousin on June 19, 2004 05:37 PMhello to will my fiend in america
WILL YOU ARE UNDER THE SPELL of the DEVIL GIRL.
Please you must to rectifry the situatetion. to do this you must do 3 things.
1. Ride in an SUV
2. Play the game that is soccer
3. you must to burn the picture of the devil girl however it is not that to be simple you the will my fiend must have the sex with the girl of the devil, then at the appropriate time at that you must to burn the picture
habid is to say only that this will remove the curse of the girl of devil
habid
Rob, Something in my driving habits?!? What in the hell are you talking about it. In both cases I was sitting absolutely still! In fact in all of the accidents in which I have been rear ended I was stopped and stopped legally at a red light, stop sign or in traffic. So I have no idea what you are trying to get at. Defensive driving instruction is not going to help because I have not been hit while driving (moving).
Peace, --Will
Habid, Give it a rest with calling the girl with blue-green hair the "Devil Girl". And give it a big rest with the sexual references to her. She is obviously underaged. Your sexual remarks are inappropriate.
Everyone else, Thank you very much for your kind concern about my well being. Jenne and I greatly appreciate it.
Posted by: Will Burnham on June 19, 2004 09:03 PMWill - dunno, man. I'm not trying to say you're at fault, but either you've got a great big kick-me sign that you can't see or something. It's just really, really weird.
Glad to hear that you're OK. Sorry 'bout the accident. Hopefully, Moomie and her Moomievan's damage that she caused are only cosmetic. At least she didn't total your new ride. We lost a seven-month-old Dodge Intrepid to an idiot who hit it while being chased by the cops. It was parked, and he knocked it 50 ft. up the street.
Paint the entire rear of you car flourcent orange and yellow. Place flashing lights all over the bumper.
Posted by: Dave on June 21, 2004 07:34 AMTo the above, I'd add that you need a proximity sensor. When anything comes within 20 feet of your rear bumper, the strobes should flash and a large air-horn should sound rearward. Simultaneously, a large, flourescent orange "STOP!" banner should flip up from the roof.
Get someone to bless your car, I'm serious!
Posted by: on June 21, 2004 11:49 AMAlso, if you get a proximity sensor, you'll be able to see those cloaked Taidan Ion Frigates before they get a bead on you!
Posted by: Jeff on June 21, 2004 12:31 PMYIKES!!!!!! This is the SECOND time you got rammed by a Moomobile?! Did you piss off a witch docter or what?
Posted by: rebecca on June 21, 2004 06:29 PMWell, it's too late to get the car blessed. Has to be done right away. At least, that's what my ex-mother-in-law always said.
Will, you need to move to some place like Kalispell, MT. Yeah, the job market there pretty much sucks, but [most] people there seem to know how to drive.
Sorry to hear about the accident. Hope the damage to the car is really superficial, and that you managed to salvage the rest of the weekend.
Posted by: GerenM on June 23, 2004 08:54 AM