Family Communication

My mom is always saying that as a family we need to communicate more. We should talk more often, email more frequently, make more phone calls, and be more involved in each other’s lives. These are all good and noble ideas. Ideas that mom likes to espouse, but doesn’t practice, and when practiced by members of the family become sources of suspicion and tension. Mom and dad are also good at saying one thing and meaning something else entirely.

Let me give you a few examples from recent family history. A few months back my mom and dad were saying what a pain it has become to throw big parties.
“It’s too much stress on your father and I,” she moaned. “To costly, to hard to find a date when everyone can make it, too tiring. It wipes us out for days afterwards. Your dad is not in the best of health to be doing this sort of thing.”
“Mom, I completely understand. You and dad need to let others throw the parties. Take it easy from now on,” I said in agreement and support.
“Yes, William. I think you’re right. We need a break, time for just us. Besides, other family members have parties coming up at the end of June and early in July.”
Okay, so fewer big parties hosted by the parental units. Fine with me. Jenne and I can now make plans for the 4th of July and RSVP in the affirmative to my cousin Karen for her July 5th par-tay. And of course there is cousin George’s summer party the end of June. However, this was not to be and ended up being a case of mom saying one thing and meaning something else entirely. Actually just not meaning it at all. A week and a half before July 4th (while at cousin George’s party) my mom announces they are having a July 4th party and assumes that Jenne and I are coming. Now I have to tell mom that we won’t be there and remind her about our discussion about how her and dad don’t want to host the big parties anymore. I tell them that we’ll be at Karen’s on the 5th and we’ll see them then. Oh this is not good enough because that’s Karen’s party and not mom and dad’s party. Jeez, now were into a popularity contest. I am told this is not a contest and it’s just a small party with immediate family only. We NEVER have anything with just immediate family anymore. We haven’t had anything like that in forever. There’s always neighbors, family friends or a golf buddy or co-worker. Oh well, this is mom and dad’s last minute 4th party so it’s a completely different set of social rules. Let me just dump any plans or ideas that Jenne and have (not). Of course telling her we’re not coming puts us on the shit list. I’m on this list a lot and I guess if they were to ever read my blog I’ll be on the shit list forever. You know what, I don’t care anymore. I’m in my late thirties and I don’t have the time nor the inclination to deal with the bullshit any longer. So how much does my negative RSVP put me on the shit list, you wonder? Enough so that we don’t called about dad having minor surgery! During the time period between George’s party/mom’s announcement and the July 5th party my dad had two minor surgeries on June 27th and June 30th for hemorrhoids. Seems that riding around all the time on his $13,000 lawn mower gave ass-man a pain in the ass. Jenne and I are told nothing about this by ANYONE!! So mom where’s this communication you love to talk about? Oh, yeah, Jenne and I are on the no-communication shit list. We find out about the surgery late Saturday afternoon from my sister-in-law, Chellie. Why didn’t they call us and tell us when it was going on? Who in the hell knows? They probably didn’t call and tell us because the last time we seriously talked (a couple of months back) my folks found out (like we were hiding something) and the green head of suspicion rose from the depths. Sherman, set the way-back machine to three months ago. Click, beep, beep, WHIRRRR! My sister-in-law, Chellie (my parents aren’t fond of her for some freaky reason that only they know) and Jenne talk on the phone, then I talk with Chellie and then my brother Richard (the middle brother). We yack about stuff. I don’t exactly remember what. A few days go by and I get a call out of the blue from my dad.
“So you’ve been talking with Richie and Chellie? What about? Family stuff? What did they say? What’s going on?”
“Jeez, dad can the paranoia will ya? We were talking. You know, communicating. Mom always says we should communicate.” An argument ensues and Jenne and I are on the shit list again for talking with my brother and his wife. This is just crazy and I am really tired of it. I am really tired of my folks bashing people, especially other family members. Rich and Chellie get bashed all the time as being bad parents and for being so involved in their church. My folks say they love R&C, yet they always throw a ‘but’ in there. You either love your kids or you don’t. What ever happened to unconditional parental love? I can only imagine what they say about Jenne and I. Given what my father has said to my face for my whole life I suspect I get trashed a fair amount. As for my other brother, my folks kiss his ass and he and his wife can do no wrong. They are the perfect parents. GAG!!! If you’ve known me for a while or have been a regular reader you know things ain’t perfect in my family. Never have been, never will be and it’s not for lack of trying. I would love for things to be better. I would love for our family to be like my friend Ted’s family where everyone gets along, they love spending time with each other, there’s no judgement, and there’s no whacked family politics. I’m a realist and I know this isn’t going to happen. I just can’t kiss that much ass to make it all better. Besides, if I did kiss ass I’m sure I wouldn’t be doing it the right way. My father's way. The point here is that when Jenne and I communicate with family, we lose. If we don’t communicate, we lose. If we don’t tow the family line and say what mom and dad want to hear and do what mom and dad want us to do, we lose. Hell, we lose when we DO try and tow the family line. ARGH! You know I’ve learned something here today. Not communicating is the lesser loss. I’ll take the small losses over the big ones any day, but I’m not going to deal with the BS anymore.

I bet if they ever read this Jenne and I will be put on the super-secret-ultra-shit list!