I know you need the letters F, U and N to spell funeral, but I have never found anything fun in funerals or viewings. Are you familiar with a viewing? That’s where the recently deceased is laid in an open coffin for you to walk up and look at, like some item in a store window. There’s also a kneeler there so you can kneel and get even closer to the body of your loved one, relative, friend or coworker. There’s this expectation that you must go up to the coffin and kneel to pay your ‘last respects.’ At a minimum you are expected to go up and at least stand next to the coffin. I find the whole thing creepy, surreal and disturbing. This is not how I want to remember the person. Sometimes, like yesterday, it’s just hard and even next to impossible to do. We were at the viewing for my twenty-seven year old cousin, Trisha. She died on Friday of three kinds of cancer; ovarian, bone and liver. As she lay there, looking like a plastic mannequin with a cheap wig, I found that I couldn’t go up to the coffin. I could barely look at her. She looked nothing like she did while alive and before the cancer. Trisha and I hadn't been close since we were little kids and that's how I'll mostly remember her. We'd always see her at her mom's for cookouts. Even so, lying there she was alien to us. She didn't even look peaceful. Usually the funeral home people make the deceased look peaceful. Maybe there was too much pain and suffering for their skills to overcome. It was like looking at a stranger. Then there’s the awkward moment of talking to her mom, my Aunt Sue, and her husband, Jason. What do you say once you pass the shaking hands, pats on the back and hugs? I never know and I don’t want to say anything that could make them cry. Usually you ask folks how they’ve been, what they’ve been up too, or what they think about the weather or the latest movie or even what the local team’s chances are this year. None of that seems right or appropriate at a viewing and funeral. I offer appropriate affection, try to smile a little, say I’m sorry for their loss and sincerely offer to supply whatever support I can. Then, not knowing what else to do, I stand there in silence holding Jenne’s hand. I move away when someone else comes up to them. Jenne and I spend the rest of the day talking about what we want and don’t want at our funerals. The whole day is hard and awkward, and because Jenne and I know seven people with cancer and a few folks with other illnesses, it’s a scene likely to be repeated a few more times this year. It never gets easier and it’s never fun.
Trisha leaves behind her husband, Jason and a nineteen-month-old son, Tyler. May she rest with Jesus and in peace.
I'm real sorry man, that is very, very sad. And with a 19 month old baby, what a freaking tragedy. I'm very sorry.
On another note.
As i've told you MANY times, just once more here to be clear. I will HAUNT the hell out of you if you have me in an open casket!!! Fry my ass, toss me out the window, plant a tree in my butt, whatever, just no funeral nightmare.
Thanks in advance.
Posted by: MM on May 19, 2003 12:32 PMI'm sorry to hear this, Will.
It's interesting, though, how differently people handle funerals. For my family, it's often the only time we see each other. Couple that with the fact that people in my family don't like funerals much, for the same reasons that you don't. And, add a dose of none of us wanting to make the rest of the folks in the family sad - we just want to have fun.
Anyway, after that ramble, what was my point - oh, yes ... Funerals in my family are more like something you would see in New Orleans, except without the music in the streets. We look on it as a time to get together and celebrate the good times and not to dwell on the bad.
Posted by: GerenM on May 19, 2003 03:27 PMWill, I am truly sorry to hear this. I knew that Trisha was very ill and not expected to improve, but it's still hard to take when someone dies-especially someone so young who leaves so much behind.
As to funerals, I deplore the open-casket thing like a boil on my butt. Who thought of it? It's ghoulish. Things have changed a *little*-I recall when we kids were expected to *kiss* the corpse! (I refused. Sorry.) I thought my folks would learn from dad's funeral-the mortician destroyed him; he looked like a leprechaun lying in the casket-but no, both my mom and grandmom want open-casket funerals.
I suppose it could be worse. We might have to dig them up after seven years, excarnate and paint the bones and put them in a cute little box down at the parish church like they still do in eastern europe. That's what I call taking the dead seriously!
Posted by: Jeff on May 19, 2003 04:38 PMPlease accept Will and my condolences. This had to have been very hard on you, and I am sorry to hear that such illnesses are being fought by such a large number of your family and friends.
I used to be firmly (and almost as vehemently) in Mike's camp about the open casket. Then I took a course about the psychology of mourning, and it caused me to soften my attitude a little. The societal reasons for an open casket are two-fold. One, there used to be the very real threat of an unconcious and recovering person being buried alive pre-brain monitoring technology. Two, even 50 years ago death was often more sudden than not, and seeing the person not move for about 3 days helps those left behind to emmotionally understand that the person is gone for good, and cannot come back.
We may not "need" the open casket as much any more, when most folks die after a long illness. But one old custom could stand to come back: the custom of putting a little netting over the open casket. When my dear friend Angie died after 6 months in a coma, her brothers had an open casket which they draped with something akin to a bridal veil with a very slight pink cast. This both aided the very difficult task of the undertaker "softening" the visual experience and keeping people from looking too closely and upsetting themselves. It also discouraged the "kissers" - whose actions would have really distressed Angie's two brothers. Thus, to open or close my own casket is the only thing I left to my brother's discretion, but I did specify the "veil" if my family decides they want it open.
It's hard to talk about such things, but maybe some one will read all this and re-think their wishes.
Hi Will,
I, too, offer sincere condolences on the loss of your cousin. Death comes too soon to so many and I really can't say why...in truth only God really knows why. All we can do is trust and remember them the way they were when they were living. And that's why I HATE open caskets...who wants to remember a person like that? It's not them. It's a lifeless shell...Jeff already knows I'd come back and kick him if he tried to do it to me...
Posted by: Becky on May 21, 2003 09:23 PM