Ass Man's Crazy Ride

Saturday was the Burnham Family Easter Picnic (two weeks in a row with family, joy) and now we get see my dad’s new glorified Simplicity lawn mower that he’s been going on about for weeks now. Man oh man is thing thing tricked out! It's just over-the-top ridiculous, but it's my dad and he 'needs' all of the extras no matter how much or how absurd to mow an acre and a half. It has an all-weather enclosed illuminated cab. I can understand the enclosed cab. This thing will serve as a snowplow come next winter, but with dad's health he should pay someone else, or get my brother to plow for him. What I really don't get is the interior light? Is this to read maps while mowing his lawn at night? It’s equipped with roof-mounted floodlights. I assume this is for the aforementioned night mowing. There’s even little red and blue blinking lights on the top rear of the roof. Is this a cop car or a lawn mower? Is he going to pull over other mowers and write tickets? Okay, dad needs a riding mower. That’s cool. The property is over an acre and he is disabled, but this is a bit much and my brothers and I have no idea how much this thing costs nor how mom and dad can afford it. Mom is the breadwinner in the house and all dad gets is a disability check. I can tell you that they got great financing though. Dad avoided answering how much it costs, but he’s quick to tell us all about the great 3% financing. Well dad and the new toy were begging to be made fun of… so fun I made. I started with a sign on the hood that read “POPE MOBILE” and inside I hung a Playboy centerfold from the ceiling, taped up some other nude pics and hung a roll of toilet paper from the flexible arm of the interior light.

Make way! Here comes his holiness in the Pope Mobile!

The finishing touch was adding a license plate on the rear that read “ASS MAN”. All-in-all this was pretty tame considering what’s been done to other vehicles in our family, but it was still a riot and all the picnic guests were having a great laugh at dad’s expense. He noticed all the little touches right away, feigned disgust at the Playboy pics (this from a man with a one of the biggest porno collections around), and hurled the toilet paper out the cab window. He left the “POPE MOBILE” sign on the hood. What he didn’t see was the “ASS MAN” license plate. Everyone was laughing hysterically as he drove around in it waving at us. My brother started yelling, “you go ass man. Ride that crazy thing!”

Ass Man puts it in reverse and gets ready for his crazy ride. Dad loves the fake plate and wants me to make him one that's lamenated!